💜 It’s February 14th, Valentine’s Day. At least in the US – I don’t know if other countries celebrate it too. While the day is shown to be full of love and flowers and candy and romantic gestures, I know that many aren’t feeling the love today.  It can be a really hard day for many; I know because I was single for a long time, not wanting to be single, and the day was a stark reminder of not having something I wanted so badly.

I never enjoyed being single. I wanted a partner for as long as I can remember. Dating was intimidating for me because I was so painfully shy. Online dating made me sadder as those that would initiate contact to me, I didn’t feel interested in…and those that I liked rarely responded back. It took so much out of me to show up or go out and then to repeatedly have this mismatched interest was frustrating. And from what I’ve heard, online dating has only gotten harder. TV shows and movies make dating look fun, and maybe some people have fun with it. For me, first dates were torturous and I really hope I never have to deal with that all ever again!

Maybe it’s just me… While this all sounds good, I know quite a few gals that found love without loving themselves first.

But back to Valentine’s Day… The hubs and I do not exchange gifts. That was on me. Another fun part of my anxiety: gifts are stress inducing. And I’m talking both parts of it, giving and receiving. Some years, I will decorate with a few red heart things around our home. I might wear red this day or make us a special treat – this year, I’m just not feeling it so there is only one heart decoration up and it’s a black heart. Not sure if I did that in a symbolic way or if it was just the easiest decoration to hang up (likely the latter…)

When I was single, I wanted someone special to celebrate things like this with. I would see people sharing all sorts of things online that made the yearning for someone that much more severe, almost desperate (I said almost!) Those in relationships who would tell me that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, marriage is hard, I was lucky I didn’t have to put up with anyone…it was all advice I never asked to hear…and truth is, they were wrong. Admittedly, I don’t know any marriage that I truly envy. But I am beyond grateful for mine. Ours works for us – others likely wouldn’t envy us either. I think what I’m trying to get to is don’t give a single person advice like that; it’s hurtful. It’s dismissing their desires solely based on your experience. They don’t want your experience; they want to have their own.

And to those still in that place where you want a partner, I know it isn’t easy, and not even always fun, but the only way to find someone…is make some sort of effort. I waited for years and Mr. Wonderful never came knocking on my door. And of course, if I’m being completely truthful here, even if he did, I’d hide behind the couch until he left and then only crack open the door when I was certain he’d gone to see if anything was left behind. Showing up and making some bit of effort is the only way. Several times I tried to show up for a date, and while I’m embarrassed to admit it, my anxiety became overwhelming and I had to turn around and go home, leaving him with a gal that never showed up. (I did email one afterwards, apologizing profusely about being such an asshole, explained my anxiety and nerves were too much for me…and we dated for over a year. So some will get it and be understanding…) The hardest part for me was to show up and learn to be comfortable being myself, sharing myself, getting to know someone else. I’m still in that space as I try to make friends as an adult (newsflash: meeting new friends is very similar to dating!)

Today is one day. Do what you need to get through it. When I was alone, I used to watch rom-coms and eat comfort food and let myself cry as much as I needed to. Now that I’m married, I still watch the rom-coms and snack by myself (life is hardly as romantic as portrayed in chick lit.) Tomorrow, I’m looking forward to hitting up the candy aisle and finding the Easter candy out! I am in desperate need of some Mini Eggs!