Category Archives: Life

Happy? Valentine’s Day

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💜 It’s February 14th, Valentine’s Day. At least in the US – I don’t know if other countries celebrate it too. While the day is shown to be full of love and flowers and candy and romantic gestures, I know that many aren’t feeling the love today.  It can be a really hard day for many; I know because I was single for a long time, not wanting to be single, and the day was a stark reminder of not having something I wanted so badly.

I never enjoyed being single. I wanted a partner for as long as I can remember. Dating was intimidating for me because I was so painfully shy. Online dating made me sadder as those that would initiate contact to me, I didn’t feel interested in…and those that I liked rarely responded back. It took so much out of me to show up or go out and then to repeatedly have this mismatched interest was frustrating. And from what I’ve heard, online dating has only gotten harder. TV shows and movies make dating look fun, and maybe some people have fun with it. For me, first dates were torturous and I really hope I never have to deal with that all ever again!

Maybe it’s just me… While this all sounds good, I know quite a few gals that found love without loving themselves first.

But back to Valentine’s Day… The hubs and I do not exchange gifts. That was on me. Another fun part of my anxiety: gifts are stress inducing. And I’m talking both parts of it, giving and receiving. Some years, I will decorate with a few red heart things around our home. I might wear red this day or make us a special treat – this year, I’m just not feeling it so there is only one heart decoration up and it’s a black heart. Not sure if I did that in a symbolic way or if it was just the easiest decoration to hang up (likely the latter…)

When I was single, I wanted someone special to celebrate things like this with. I would see people sharing all sorts of things online that made the yearning for someone that much more severe, almost desperate (I said almost!) Those in relationships who would tell me that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, marriage is hard, I was lucky I didn’t have to put up with anyone…it was all advice I never asked to hear…and truth is, they were wrong. Admittedly, I don’t know any marriage that I truly envy. But I am beyond grateful for mine. Ours works for us – others likely wouldn’t envy us either. I think what I’m trying to get to is don’t give a single person advice like that; it’s hurtful. It’s dismissing their desires solely based on your experience. They don’t want your experience; they want to have their own.

And to those still in that place where you want a partner, I know it isn’t easy, and not even always fun, but the only way to find someone…is make some sort of effort. I waited for years and Mr. Wonderful never came knocking on my door. And of course, if I’m being completely truthful here, even if he did, I’d hide behind the couch until he left and then only crack open the door when I was certain he’d gone to see if anything was left behind. Showing up and making some bit of effort is the only way. Several times I tried to show up for a date, and while I’m embarrassed to admit it, my anxiety became overwhelming and I had to turn around and go home, leaving him with a gal that never showed up. (I did email one afterwards, apologizing profusely about being such an asshole, explained my anxiety and nerves were too much for me…and we dated for over a year. So some will get it and be understanding…) The hardest part for me was to show up and learn to be comfortable being myself, sharing myself, getting to know someone else. I’m still in that space as I try to make friends as an adult (newsflash: meeting new friends is very similar to dating!)

Today is one day. Do what you need to get through it. When I was alone, I used to watch rom-coms and eat comfort food and let myself cry as much as I needed to. Now that I’m married, I still watch the rom-coms and snack by myself (life is hardly as romantic as portrayed in chick lit.) Tomorrow, I’m looking forward to hitting up the candy aisle and finding the Easter candy out! I am in desperate need of some Mini Eggs!

Love Jenny

Starting over (yet again…)

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I hate writing this. As I feel like I could write this at least several times a year. And it’s not that I hate starting something new…it’s that I hate that I’m going after seemingly the same “goals” again. I put that in quotes because sometimes I wonder if the things I claim I want in my life aren’t really what I truly want. Maybe that’s why I start and stop and start and stop and start and stop…

The early posts on this blog show several attempts at my starts: getting started running again, eating better, being more active, more social, writing. I’m the writer that never writes so how can I call myself a writer. And how can I claim to want to be a writer if I never write?! (Substitute writer for runner or several other things…)

So here it is November 2021. I have created (yet another) game plan. A plan to find less stress, more movement, simplicity, joy…and perhaps a bit of weight loss. I hope I stick with it. I’m usually good the first of the month, on Mondays, the beginning of the year. The challenge will truly be in a few days.

As for today, I didn’t get up with my alarm. I don’t remember feeling it (I use a Fitbit for vibration alarms so as not to disturb my sleeping hubby). I naturally woke 45 minutes after I wanted to get up and started on my day. Seeing as how I was already quite a bit behind my “schedule” (the plan I had for myself that isn’t a rigid schedule but a guide I’d like to adhere to…), I thought of just rolling over and allowing myself to sleep until I felt like getting up.

You see, I’m on an unofficial sabbatical to try to recover from teaching burnout and figure out if I want to continue in education or move on to something else. My darling husband has given me this gift of time to rest. Trouble is, I don’t know how to rest. I am really good at doing nothing – don’t get me wrong! But that isn’t always helpful in recovering. So that’s why I have a lot of time right now and I keep trying to fill it with things. This November I made a plan to rest though. Yup, I need a plan for that!

So I thought maybe it would be a good thing to just allow my body more sleep if it wanted it (I did turn the light out later than I usually do after all.) But then some asshole was screeching tires out on Portola and I took that sound as a sign to get my butt up. So I did. I didn’t get through everything listed on my morning routine – but I’m allowing myself to be okay with that. I didn’t go to yoga…because I fell back asleep on the couch for another 2.5 hours! Again, I’m okay with that. My body needed some more rest clearly. Hopefully I’ll make it down the hill to class tomorrow.

I hope I never write another starting again post again. I hope I stick with things this time so I continue to grow from here and not revisit here. Only time will tell I suppose…

Am I the only one?

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It might seem a bit absurd but the world we are currently living in is making me physically ill. I’ve tried a variety of things to make myself feel better or figure out what is the physical cause. But there is none.  So it seems to be psychosomatic, and it’s making me miserable.

The current state of our country is giving me indigestion.  I’ve been battling nausea and diarrhea on and off since early November.  What could’ve happened back then that would make me sick to my stomach and below?  Yup, the country went the other way, and all that has happened after that time frustrates me so much that it’s affecting my body’s health.

I like to think of myself as being open-minded and compassionate. Even if I disagree with someone, I don’t presume I am right and they are wrong; we just think differently.  But the actions that have been coming out of Washington lately are not just different from the beliefs I hold; they’re blatantly mean and clearly pushing a specific agenda. Sadly, that agenda is not about supporting American ideals or the Constitution. I don’t have the words to truly explain how I feel…and because of that, it’s eating me up inside – literally.  How do you put a nominee up for Secretary of Education who never worked in education, who doesn’t know basic education laws?  How does that nominee continue to move forward towards being given the position when teachers are VERY outspoken about her lack of qualifications?  Newsflash: teachers work in the field and are VERY knowledgeable about what would benefit students.  Respect the opinions of the professionals knee-deep in the trenches every day; we kind of know what we’re talking about. It’s that lack of respect for the opinions of teachers that is driving me towards the exit.  This matter is one of the most disheartening for me lately. I wish all the Republicans voting her along could explain their thinking, explain how her background and what she’s said (not how much money she paid them) will make her the most successful person in that role.  Personally, I feel like ANY teacher would be better qualified. I have more knowledge, experience, and qualifications than that woman.  Unfortunately, someone like me would never be considered for the Secretary position: my family doesn’t have billions of dollars so I can’t do anything for the Senators.

Along with the regular stresses that come along with teaching, I can’t escape all the questionable politics, the lies they keep spouting, the selfish acts, the protests, the misguided focus of the Administration, the self-centeredness of that man… It’s all over the news, my Facebook feed, the teachers’ lounge, my go-tos for comedic relief (Jimmy Fallon & The Tonight Show). It’s no wonder that I’ve been getting sick so much.  I’m not sure my stomach is going to get through the next four years without developing a massive ulcer…

Joy in Anticipation

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Ever sign up for something that sounds fun and interesting, then you look forward to it with excited anticipation, and when the big day finally arrives…you don’t want to go?  This happens to me ALL. THE. TIME.  In thinking about it to try to figure me out, I thought maybe it jut meant that I was more of a enjoy the process person and the actual culminating activity doesn’t really matter.  But my marathon experiences tell me I know that doesn’t describe me at all. I struggled through all my marathon training experiences; I never enjoyed the process building up to the races! I was all about the actual day, and then the races themselves were never great because of improper training.

It’s frustrating to continually have this loss of desire happen so often.  I’ve looked back over years of calendars and see how many things I bailed on last minute because of this.  To clarify, I never bailed on friends I said I would do things with…actually, now that I think of it, this mostly happens to things I sign up to do solo.  That’s gotta mean something…

Here’s today’s instance:
So last week, I was home sick on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Scared that what I was experiencing were early menopause signs, I started reading Is It Me or My Hormones? by Marcelle Pick and it intrigued my inner health enthusiast.  I ordered supplements and began prepping to do the 28-day plan this February.  I also noted the importance of reducing stress.  For a variety of reasons, my job (5th grade teacher) has been really trying on me this year.  With my 41st birthday looming in the week ahead (yesterday), I had decided that I would take the Friday after (today) off from school and scheduled things to allow me to spend a day relaxing.  I signed up for a morning yoga class, an early afternoon massage, followed by a very much needed haircut later in the day.  My birthday was nice; BBE took great care of me, as he always does.  I woke up at 5:10am this morning and felt wide awake so I figured I’d get up.  I was feeling a bit anxious about the yoga class, like I didn’t want to go.  And yes, all week since signing up, I was looking forward to today.  it sounded like a wonderful day that I had planned for myself.  This morning, I wanted to go nowhere and do nothing today.  WHY?!?!?  It’s so frustrating…  I need to figure this out because I think that if I can, I would find a bit more joy in my life.  At the very least, I’d stop getting mad and disappointed with myself.  I keep thinking that I want a more active, involved life and yet, I also feel like enjoying the comforts of my home and alone time there.  Another project to add to my growing list…

Here we go again…

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As has happened so many times in the past, life got in the way…I let life get in the way of my plans. I’m struggling to make new habits stick. It’s been the story of my life! Why is it so hard to live the life I wish for myself? I don’t mean the things beyond my control, like having naturally straight dirty blond hair or being a couple inches taller. I mean the things I can choose for my life, like eating healthy, not leaving everything to the last minute, sticking with a fitness plan, saving money… Every January, it’s the same thing: I make a plan, stick with it for a day or so, then get distracted and the plan gets forgotten. Then I feel bad about myself and my lack of willpower…but nothing changes.

I’m going to be 40 in two days…I want my life to be different. I want to feel good when I look in the mirror. I want to look forward to the day ahead each morning. I want to be enthusiastic and energetic throughout the day. I want to be able to relax and turn off the teacher brain when I leave work. I want to live honestly with my thoughts and feelings. The life I design for myself on paper looks pretty good…so then why do I not do everything in my power to create it? I just don’t get it. But what I do get is another chance. Another year is starting for me. It’s time to get a new perspective of 40. It’s not going to be an easy year ahead – I know that for certain. But if I want my life to be different, I have to be different. To have a better life, I have to make better choices. To reap the rewards I want, I have to put forth the effort to earn them. And I have to demolish whatever those roadblocks are in my way. If I only knew what they were…