One step forward, two (or more) steps back has become the dance of my life.  And it SUCKS!  After yesterday’s post, I was getting myself ready to stay focused on the big picture.  I went in to bed around 9:45p last night and read until 10:30p. I knew that’d mean less than seven hours of sleep but I wanted to finish a few things before going to bed and really wanted to read for a bit before turning out the light.  I figured I’d take the six hours, get up at 4:30a, drink my green drink, meditate for 10 then shake my bum bum. I woke a few times during the night; around two a.m., I thought I should get up to use the bathroom but the feeling soon subsided and I fell back asleep. I woke next to thinking it must be around time to get up but a quick peek at the clock said I could have one more hour of sleep.  My next glance at the clock was a few minutes before my Fitbit was set to buzz on my wrist.

It was that moment when you wake up and feel awake, like you could get up, but then you figure, I might as well take the last few minutes of sleep that I get. Then when you’re alarm does go off five minutes later, there’s no way you feel like dragging your butt out of the bed.

My alarm was set for 4:30a so I could spend an hour on my me-time tasks – in truth, I could’ve gone back to sleep for another hour or so and still had plenty of time to get to work but I’m striving for growth this year which means change… So, I pulled my knees up to my chest for a little stretch, then let them fall to my right while the rest of me rolls along after them out of bed.  The morning seemed to go fine and I was about ready to leave at 6:30am (goal time to leave) when I thought I should use the restroom one last time before my 30+ minute commute.  Potential TMI warning!  I had already had my morning BM (which always makes for a better day ahead personally) but I apparently hadn’t gotten it all out and had more to evacuate.  I felt a little off this morning and thought some Immodium would fix the funny feelings and get me on my way.  I’m backing out of the garage at 6:40am and still feeling off.  This time, it was more upper GI – I was nauseous. I paused before closing the garage door and finishing backing into the street, wondering if instead I should pull back into the garage and go back to the comfort of my yellow-tiled bathroom (it’s a rental). I’ve had a history with nausea.  I think most people, feeling what I felt in that moment, would’ve gone back in no question.  I didn’t.  I chalked it up to getting up early, trying to get a new morning routine going, unconscious stress about not really wanting to go to work, and the hard-boiled egg I’d eaten post-workout.  I figured the feeling would pass.  So I pushed the button to close the garage and continued on my commute.

The commute was AWFUL! It became a game of at what point am I willing to turn around and at what point am I committed to fully going.  I tried to distract myself with favorite tunes on Spotify.  When I have GI ailments, there is a perfect temperature that my body likes to be at – not too hot or too cold – so there was the challenge of figuring out what that temp would be today.  Mental challenges of trying to get myself to think about ANYTHING other than how I felt.  Trying to remember where I might have stashed a small plastic bag was a frequent thought. Looking at the shoulder and being grateful it was wide enough to fit my car if I needed to pull over quickly.  Deep breaths from the morning meditation were attempted again to calm my insides.  It was a rough ride but I made it to work.  A quick jaunt to the restroom proved very unproductive from both ends and yet I still felt sick.

I walked out to my classroom, which is quite a distance from the nearest adult bathroom.  The cool morning air felt wonderful on my face; my hands were so cold that I couldn’t feel them at all.  I turned on the small electric kettle to make some mint green tea. I knew eating breakfast was out but hoped tea would help me feel human enough to be okay about coming in to work.  Nope.  Before the kettle even whistled, I was headed back to the bathroom.  It was 7 minutes before I had to open the door to the students.  Again, nothing happened in the bathroom, and again, I felt much better walking outside.  Most morning tummy ailments I have had do pass after a short while and I figured I just had to wait it out. At this point, it’d been over an hour and a half so it must be almost over.  At 8:20am, I decided I would let fate choose my day: if a sub was available, I was going home.  And home I went.

I thought a lot on the ride home (because there was god awful traffic so lots of time for reflection…)  The lower GI discomfort subsided relatively soon after getting in the car; the nausea has continued to flare up since leaving school.  Pure exhaustion set in when I got home; it was the kind of tired where you’re too tired to sleep unfortunately. I watched a little TV, ate some white rice, and read a book.

All I want is to better myself, my life.  It is beyond frustrating when you try to do something to better yourself and feeling like this is a result. I don’t know what happened today: maybe it was something I ate, maybe I’m just lacking sleep, maybe the morning routine was a little too jarring for my sensitive system. I haven’t a clue what it was or how to fix it. It was a huge setback to me mentally because now I wonder: should I make sleep my priority over morning workouts, maybe morning workouts are too taxing for my body, maybe the hard-boiled egg is a bad post-workout snack for my body (for reference: I brought 2 for lunch to work once, an hour later got wicked food poisoning that resulted in the “going & throwing” for 17 hours straight!) I’m probably just mentally over-reacting right now because I’m tired and seeking an answer. But I hope that this will finally be a time when I push through setbacks – not in a way where I suffer through feeling like crap at work (that’s what sick days are for) but rather, when shit happens, I just acknowledge it and try again tomorrow.