This may seem weird but I don’t remember a lot that happened in 2015. Not in that I-drank-too-much-don’t-remember-nights of my 20s (and 30s). I just spent 365 days…doing what? I worked – that I know because I had money deposited into my bank each month and I still have the same job today. Surely they would’ve let me go had I not shown up, right? All in all, it just wasn’t a very memorable year. And to be honest, that thought makes me kind of nope, it makes me quite sad.
January: I turned 39 in January – that one stands out. The final year of my thirties had arrived (and apparently I escaped unharmed). I remember BBE (best boyfriend ever) brought me cupcakes; I never forget sweets. My students gave me gifts, which caught me off-guard because I didn’t know they were even aware that it was my birthday. I had an observation that day from my principal (note to future self: never plan to be observed on your birthday). But the birthday came and went like the rest of the month.
February: I spent a week with my students at an outdoor educational setting. This urban gal was grateful that there was at least indoor plumbing but it was still roughing it too much for my tastes, especially as a job responsibility. It was an exhausting, uncomfortable, unsanitary, uncompensated work experience that I’m not looking forward to reliving (BTW I’m going again next Tuesday…) The students had a wonderful time; teachers…not so much. Other than that and the NE Patriots winning the Super Bowl, February was a bit of a blur.
March: Got through the month…
April: As a part of my spring vacation, BBE and I went to Florida for a few days. We visited with my 94-year old grandmother and other family then we went off to Disney where it was hot as hell and we ate way too much food but had fun.
May and June: I don’t remember much beyond working (clearly I need to improve on my social life as all I can recall is time working…) I was happy when the school year ended – not because I don’t enjoy working. I actually really enjoy working a lot. But I needed rest. I was sick most of the school year. Thanksgiving weekend 2014 I spent on the couch and the symptoms lingered all through the winter and spring. My energy was always depleted. I wasn’t eating well and couldn’t stick with a workout program for my life. I went to work and came home; I spend much of 2015 as a homebody. There’s a dent in the couch the size of my butt to prove it.
July: Summer gave me time to find my running legs again. I had gotten picked in the lottery for the Nike Women’s Half Marathon in SF (October 2015) and began training over the summer. My sister came out for a visit. We went up to Sonoma, drank wine in a cave, hit the casino in Graton (I lost I don’t remember how much, she won $1000). I ran mostly long runs on the weekends.
August: I had joined a running group to help me socially reach my running (and new friend making) goals. I went to the first day of training, talked with a few nice folks, developed painful plantar fasciitis in my left foot, and couldn’t run again for months. The Half Marathon never happened (and sadly never will as it will no longer be held in SF). August also found me going back to work.
Fall (September to November): Work took its toll on me. Teaching can really drain the life out of you… The school year started well. I was organized; I left at the end of my contract day; I didn’t bring things home. But it shifted somewhere and I fell into a teaching hole. I couldn’t stop thinking about work; I brought assignments home to grade; I was prepping and planning on nights and weekends. I could never get my to do list to be completed because 2-3 things would be added every time I completed a task. Frustration and overwhelm began to settle in because I could only see all I still had to do and not all that I’d already accomplished. Teacher conferences were wonderful moments of having small, personal conversations with my students and their families but I was too exhausted to really enjoy them. My introverted energy was just sapped. Those moved me on to Thanksgiving weekend…where again I spent the entire weekend on the couch nursing a developing cold. I saw the beginnings of a terrible downward cycle repeating itself and stress took up permanent residence in me. Still not able to stick with a workout program due to exhaustion (mental and physical) and couldn’t get into good eating habits (which wasn’t helping the exhaustion). Thanksgiving was delicious; we had quite a lot of potatoes, which this Irish gal devoured.
December: I became the teacher I didn’t want to be: the one who counted the days until Winter Break. I want to love the work that I do but I struggled through December. I wasn’t even up for traveling over the holidays to spend time with family. Work over the past year was just one factor of my mental state; another was that I could see my 40th birthday looming on the horizon. This isn’t what I thought 40 would look like. It’s taking everything in me to keep it all together but I feel as secure as a house of cards made on a folding table; one little gust or table tap could make the whole thing collapse.
I don’t want to be so negative. I want to recognize the good moments of 2015 because I know there were some: visiting with family, connecting with old friends, weekend trip to Monterey, BBE getting a new job (the whole reason we came to CA!), the landlord not raising our rent so we could stay in our home, getting a great little car, acquiring enough credits to get a pay increase, being told my so many of my students’ parents how much their children love coming to school, running the last two days and not having any PF pain… The good is there, I know it is. I’m just feeling my way through some of the bad right now. I want 2016 to be better; I want to be better in 2016. I will make it better.
