In reading back over past posts, “fizzled ambition” seems like the perfect title for my autobiography. Or perhaps the overarching theme of 2016. Yes, I know I’m starting out in a very negative way of looking back over the last year…but I’m not feeling super proud of myself at the moment. I see constant restarts and failed attempts at sticking with positive changes. My resolutions weren’t overly challenging and yet, I still couldn’t achieve them. Sitting here this foggy Sunday morning, reflecting on the previous twelve months…I’m feeling like crap.
January 2016: I turned 40. Not sure I can claim that as an accomplishment as it sort of just happened; I didn’t really have anything to do with that. Went to Outdoor Ed with my students: it rained most of the week but they amazingly never complained. BBE and I went to Tahoe for the first time so I could see the snow I thought I missed so much. The snow was beautiful…the cold temps, yeah I didn’t miss those at all! It was nice to escape the low temps in the warm casinos (which were unfortunately smokey…) I didn’t stick with my attempted Happiness Project (which I only recalled attempting by rereading over past blog posts…) but all in all, a rather nice start to the year.
February 2016: In revisiting my Passion Planner and looking at old blog posts, February was a rather quiet month. I went to the dentist and I went to 1 yoga class. I did set a goal to get my weight down to 120#, which in looking at my Withings app, I did actually get close to:
The rest of the year left much to be desired in the weight department but I was pleasantly surprised to see that I did lose weight consistently (slow as it may have been) during the first two months of 2016. Which makes me wonder…what happened from then on??? What made the amibition fizzle out???
March (spring) 2016 The highlights of March were going to see Wicked (again) and spring break. I really enjoyed the group of students I had during this school year but being “on” all the time wears me out. So after three months of school, a two week break was much needed! I’m also seeing this is when I stopped using my Passion Planner so I’ll have to rely on my memory for stand out moments… So on to June.
Summer 2016 Just like I mentioned above, I need my school breaks to re-energize. This summer, I discovered more about why I personally require those breaks. I stumbled on to Elaine Aron and highly sensitive people (HSPs)…and quickly attached that label to myself. I don’t know why I hadn’t heard it ever before during my 40 years but I am one for certain. I read voraciously everything I could find on the topic. To understand yourself is an amazing moment: the tears made sense, the fatigue made sense, I knew now why I have these seemingly random moments of overwhelm and mental exhaustion. I thought I was just aging and unable to handle things – turns out I’m just wired a little differently. There were two quick trips over the summer: to a wedding in New England and to see the fam in Florida. Miles were ran and relaxation achieved.
Fall 2016 It was amazing to me how quickly I went from a happy “ahh” place to a frustrated “argh” one. Back to school in August and day one found me already frazzled. The year didn’t start off on a good footing. I’m not sure why: I was prepped thoroughly, I had everything well-planned (or so I thought) but at the end of that first week, I was seriously questioning my career choice. And the frustration continued for months. There was no joy to be found for me in the initial trimester. BBE and I took a quick trip to Disneyland in search of joy. I struggled to stick with an exercise program. Juicing wasn’t keeping me going like it did back in June. I was tired all the time. I complained a lot. I pretty much had decided that I would be looking for a new job for when this school year ends, that I would utilize my technical and/or writing talents in a position that better suited me as an HSP. I volunteered during the fall to be a running coach with a program called Girls on the Run. We trained for 10 weeks and then the girls completed their 5K race in December. A week before winter break, I got sick. It was the kind of sick that takes everything out of you, that gives you the sexy, raspy voice while you constantly cough up thick, green mucus, that takes a minimum of 2 weeks before you start to feel human again. So mentally and physically, I felt like crap.
Winter break 2016 This three week reprieve was so needed by the time it arrived. The first week, I rested A LOT. I read a book a day (except for when I got to The Book Thief, which took me about 4 or 5 days to fully get through). I hadn’t read that much in a long time and I missed it. I really hope to keep that habit going! Instead of spending the holidays alone like last year (which was such a dumb thing to do…), I went back East with BBE. Interestingly, it sparked thoughts of family in me that I thought were long gone, thoughts that could give shape to the year ahead. I started morning workouts again, which were god awful at first but after only a week, I saw myself already getting stronger and making improvements.
I know what I hope for myself in the year ahead and hope that it won’t be yet another year (like the past 40) where I find myself next December saying the same. exact. thing. I’m tired of starting over so I need to stop quitting. I hope to figure out why the ambition fizzles, when I know I want to improve things in our lives but lose focus or fail to act. I’m better than I’ve displayed over the last 12 months. I just did a google of “ambition fizzles” and found nothing related to what I’m talking about…so clearly, I have some work ahead of me in 2017.